james
by Reciprocal
Summary: He's got his walls up, but that's ok. All the better to play the noble Gryffindor.


**a/n wow, I've spent more time on this piece than I would dare to admit! It's for Bri's NextGen Personality Traits challenge, I got James Sirius and self-restrained. Special thanks to my beta** **justalittle l o o n y for helping this see the light of day and for being so patient with all of my rambling questions :) I don't own Harry Potter or the quote Lucy says by Madeleine L'Engle! Enjoy!**

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><p>"<em>When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable"<em>

_**Madeleine L'Engle**_

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><p><em>Enter Stage Right; Honest James.<em>

He's got his walls up, but that's ok. All the better to play the noble Gryffindor. He has no need to be genuine, no life-threatening horizon nor great love. That belongs to the past and his only responsibility is to be happy as they never could be.

So he tries and tries and tries to be what everyone wants him to be. But that means becoming a thousand different James who slip into one another and sometimes it's just hard to keep track.

_._

_Enter Stage Left; Observant James._

He knows Dominique understands, because they are one and the same, the two of them. They're both so fucked up and ready to prove themselves that they'll break just to fix themselves.

He can tell she's losing every time she sees Lysander because all it takes is one touch before her bones soften again. The whole family still thinks they hate each other but Lysander won't take no for an answer and James can tell she's only fighting for the sake of fighting by now. And he wants to shake her, to scream at her, to tell to _goddammit-be-happy_. But he doesn't, because that would ruin the image and he still has a twisted sense of faith and hope that can't quite let him ruin this love story by blurting out the ending too soon.

So he waits, and he watches, and the all the time he wonders if this is what he too will be reduced to.

Because they've always been one and the same, the two of them.

_._

_Enter Stage Left; Solitary James._

In all honesty he doesn't have to feel alone. With a family like this it's only a matter of time 'til someone catches on

"When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable." Lucy smiles, dropping down next to him as he catches his breath after a game of Quidditch at the Burrow.

"What?" His head swings towards her and he scrunches up his face in false confusion. His heart twinges with fear because he doesn't want to face what he's become, nothing more than a poster boy for Witch Weekly's Most Eligible Bachelors.

Lucy smooths her hand along her pregnancy almost without thinking but James sees and suddenly he is soso jealous that he's choking underneath it and he can't meet her eyes because this is Lucy and he loves her but now she has a purpose in life he can't help thinking he never will.

She levels her eyes at him, knowing, "But to grow up is to accept vulnerability, to be alive is to be vulnerable."

All his words seem wrong and so he swings his arm around her and settles for, "When did you get so wise Little Lou?" and hopes she gets the message. He thinks she might because suddenly she's blushing, and asking if he wants to feel the baby kick.

"Thanks Lucy," he says finally, his voice hoarse and unable to tear his hand away from where he can feel the small, infinitesimal life beating away.

Stay in there little baby, because it's a big bad world out here.

_._

_Enter Stage Left; Famous James._

"James! James, can you tell us what flavor of lipstick you'd prefer on your fans?"

"Jimmy Boy! How do you feel about Coach Wood's decision to play this weekend despite the weather?"

"JAMES! I LOVE YOU!"

"Well Mr. Potter, did you ever expect to be the youngest chaser to be honored with the Llewellyn Commemorative Medal?"

_._

_Enter Stage Right; Brotherly James._

It's dark and quiet when James jolts awake. He peers into the shadows of his room, sinking back with a sigh when he recognizes Albus, green eyes glinting in the moonlight. He looks worried and more than a little tentative and James can feel something loosening in his chest as he watches his brother creep into bed next to him.

"James?" Albus whispers, looking straight up at the ceiling.

"Yeah?" He turns his body towards Albus propping his head up with his hand and stifling a yawn.

"What if people don't like me at Hogwarts?"

James feels a sudden burst of indignation that anyone wouldn't like Albus, _his brother._

"They will," he answers with all the wisdom of a thirteen year old boy, "Or me'n Freddy and Louis and Dom will hex 'em."

"What if you're too busy?"

James feels Albus reach out and take his hand underneath the covers and despite his impatience he knows that Al wouldn't be asking him this unless he was genuinely worried.

"I'll still see you often enough. We'll always eat dinner together and I'll see you in the Common Room-"

"But what if I'm not a Gryffindor? What if I'm not brave enough?"

James stops, remembering with a twinge of shame how he had teased Albus that day, "Hey don't worry, I know all the passwords to the Houses so I can find you! And anyways you are too brave enough, you remember that time Lucy tried to fly and got stuck on the roof. You climbed straight up and pulled her down and you were only eight! That was really brave!"

James felt Albus squirm with pleasure at his praise and gave him a shove, "Now get back to your bed before Lily wakes up or she'll take the mickey out of us both!"

As Albus pads away James stared into the darkness and called out, "Al?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll make sure you're okay."

And though it's been many years since that night, and Albus is now making waves at the Ministry, James remembers that promise with every beat of his heart.

_._

_Exit Stage Right; Honest James._

"Hmm I love you." The brunette twists her legs around his waist as they kiss feverishly.

James lets his hands grip her thighs and he bites her neck as she unbuttons his trousers, "Me too."

_._

_Exit Stage Right; Solitary James._

"James? Mr. Potter?" His head is ringing and his vision is blurry but that voice pulls him back into consciousness and suddenly he is blinking up a blonde wearing the lilac of Quidditch Healer robes.

"Yeah?" he coughs, feeling his rib scream with protest, and fists his hands into the grass he's lying on.

She smiles at him kindly as his teammates let out relieved cheers and in a brief flash of clarity, he _knows_ that smile.

"Alice?"

Her smile broadens and Alice Longbottom wags a finger at him, "You had quite a fall there Potter, if you can walk I'll have to get you to Mungo's for a checkup."

She turns to gather her bandages into her bag and James takes a moment to notice how she's changed. She's Lucy's little friend no longer, all grown up and fresh out of Healing Academy. Her hair is ruffled, as if she had been running a hand through it and she has purple shadows under her eyes but he notices how pretty she is for the first time.

She frowns when she sees him sitting up, "James you need to lie down, wait for Emergency Response to get here before you try any more heroics."

His head is pounding and he doesn't like the tone that's crept into her soft voice and Merlin he hates that word _hero_, so he snaps, "You think I'm trying to be heroic? You don't know me at all!"

She looks at him and her smile twists, "No, I suppose I don't really."

He's lying again, because there is something there, hidden in her worried eyes that tells him she knows him better than he knows himself.

_._

_Exit Stage Left; Unconcerned James._

"Let's dispense of formalities shall?" Professor Longbottom lowers himself behind his desk with a sigh and pushes a steaming cup of tea towards James. He had called the boy, no young man now, in to talk about his most recent detention but now that he has, he can't bring himself to muster the appropriate disapproval.

James rolls his eyes but quickly gulps down some through a mouthful of biscuit. He lets his book bag down next to his chair and leans back. He looks tired, Neville muses, and James' hair looks even more uncombed than usual.

Neville surveys him for a long moment before smiling, "Can I ask you something?"

James fidgets, "Sure."

"What do you want to do with your life?"

James flinches, "Sorry?"

Neville smiles gently, "I find that my knowledge on the subject is woefully inadequate," he gives James an apologetic look, "I suppose I do spend more time with other students during the year, because, well, I see you Weasley lot through the holidays and I'm always thinking there's another, better time."

James looks over Neville's right shoulder as he speaks, "I'm sure you hear plenty from my parents, Uncle Nev."

"But I've never asked _you_ have I?"

James makes a noncommittal noise and shrugs. Neville can see how uncomfortable the boy is, more than simple awkwardness, like he was struggling to fit inside his skin, to restrain himself. He feels shame as he recognizes that look. He's seen it many times on himself growing up. Pressure.

Suddenly he feels awkward, sitting here with what very well could be a stranger. How had he grown so distant from James? Sure they still joke and enjoy each other's company, but there had been a time when James would simply drop into his office for a chat and advice. Now all that easy camaraderie seems very long ago indeed.

"Dad wants me to be an Auror or a Hitwizard." James speaks in a low voice looking down at his hands.

"But you don't want to?" Neville guesses.

"It's not that-"James looks up frustrated, "I don't care one way or another. But that's _it_ isn't it? I don't care about it! I have no passion for it!"

"James, has Harry actually told you this?"

James scowles, "You think I don't know what he's thinking when he goes on about my Defense scores?"

"Your father's right James, your Defense scores are extraordinary. In fact all of your scores are extraordinary. You could be whatever you want to be. The question is what."

James quiets, "I want to play Quidditch."

Neville feels a twinge of annoyance at this. Doesn't the boy understand what a brilliant mind he has? And he wants to risk it so he can play a game for a living?

But then he remembers the warm summer day when James had gotten his first broom. They were gathered for his seventh birthday and Ron had handed over the long thin package to an excited James and an even more excited Harry. Neville can remember the fierce light in his eyes when James had first seen it and the way he had glowed with such vibrancy after taking it for a first flight that not even Percy had had the heart to lecture him on broomstick safety.

"If that's what you want then I'll see if I can get a few scouts out for the next match." Neville says suddenly. James looks up in surprise, his body loosening from where it had been bracing for a lecture.

Neville finds himself grinning at the joy in James' face, "Though I'd be sure to talk to Madame Hooch as well, she'll be good help."

"Thanks Uncle Nev!" James is glowing again but Neville suddenly turns solemn.

"James you have to understand that you cannot do this anymore? You need to talk to people if you are going to expect anything to happen."

"What do you mean?"

"You Weasleys seem to be constantly shouting you opinions to the sky but you have always been such a restrained boy, James. If you don't tell people what you really think and feel how do expect them to help you? I just-" He stops, frustrated that the right words won't come, "I just want you to show the world the real James. He's in there somewhere." Neville jokes weakly.

James glances away before he hefts up his book bag and walks out.

.

_Enter Stage Left; Honest James._

"Do you want to have dinner with me sometime?" He blurts out in the middle of dinner at the Burrow. She's been talking to Lucy but now she looks up, meeting the eyes that have to been watching her all night.

In all honesty he's almost glad he's asked her like this because yes it's awkward and slightly creepy and his whole family is now staring at them snickering, but the slick moves he has in public have never come that naturally and for once he's working on impulse.

This is natural, he thinks, noticing the way her hair gleams in the light and her soft smile and the way he just _knows_ he has to be with her.

Alice gives him a surprisingly mischievous smile, "Let's go now."

_._

_Enter Stage Right; Confident James._

"Mr. Potter how does it feel leading your team to the Semifinals your very first season as Captain?"

James' ears are filled with the roar of proud fans and he fills his lungs with the confidence of victory before he answers, "Surprisingly normal."

"Oh?" say the reporter, flipping over to a new page as he smells the beginnings of a juicy story.

James hastily amends, "I'm so very honored but with this team, I've always felt this is where we are meant to be, and now we are finally here."

The reporter spies the broom crooked in James' arm and continues, "And what's this about changing brooms in the middle of a season?" He sounds appropriately scandalized and James grins. He knows it's unheard of, to suddenly change the one factor Quidditch players can count on being reliable. Even if a broom broke in the middle of the Season, they would attempt to recreate the broom exactly, but to take on a completely new instrument?

"Well yes, I created this broom exclusively for Chasers with the help of the owner of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes-"

"Who is your Uncle I believe." The reporter interrupted his bald head shining as he scribbled furiously. James wondered if he had been living under a rock the past 25 years, "Yes, Uncle George. We created this prototype to be both frighteningly fast but steady even without the use hands. It also responds to the direction of your legs with more accuracy than a standard racing broom. Of course it's all been extensively tested. Trust me, the Weasel is going to make a lot of Chasers very happy, and we are already working on versions for the other positions."

The bald reporter looked confused, "What does this mean for your Quidditch career? Will you be focusing solely on broom making from now on?"

James gave him an incredulous look, "There's no reason I can't do both. I would think the people who know what they need in a broom more than anybody else would be the players. I've always wanted to put my mark on the game and now I can." James smirked suddenly, "And besides, someone who means a lot to me once told me I could do anything I wanted. So now I am."

_._

_Enter Center Stage; James._

"And do you, James Sirius, take Alice Eleanor to be your lawful wedded wife?"

"I do."

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